About a couple of months ago, I remember having a steady flow of tears running down my face because I was so tired of being a “failure”, as so I thought. Working and going to graduate school full-time was a challenge while being a part of other extra-curricular activities that compromised my mental state of being and confidence along with it. Not only was I not caring for myself, but I was missing out on the essential things of life like caring for my car, allowing my finances to slip, and enjoying making memories with the ones I love.
My confidence slipped away slowly from me the more I felt like a failure. There were times I did not pass tests from school, failed at work for minor situations, felt overlooked in the deeds I felt like I was doing well, and I was depressed. I doubted everything that I had done because I was continually being accused of things I didn’t do. There was one time I had a professor tell me that I was not writing on graduate level standards and asked me how I got into the program. Not only did that hurt me, but it made me feel even more incompetent to be a graduate student. It made me question who I was in Christ and why did I go back to school. Was I really supposed to be this Life Coach that God has called me to be? I felt like I could not run from negativity because it was surrounding me and beating me up with the word, FAILURE.
With my confidence being compromised with irrational thoughts and overthinking, one thing kept reminding me that I am worthy of God’s love and that was God himself who continue to pursue me. Thankfully, with my graduate program, I had homework that allowed me to integrate the Word of God into my homework. I was required to reply to discussion posts with bible verses that were related to the topic. Encouraging my online classmates allowed me to encourage myself.
Through this time where I lost my confidence, here are four ways God helped me regain my confidence in myself:
- Reading the Word of God
Proverbs 3:5-6 – Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
This is essential with my walk with Christ. I had to regain my confidence by reminding myself who I AM in Christ. I would go to Bible studies, read Bible plans that talked about combatting fear, negative thoughts, and low self-esteem.
- Surrounding Myself with Wise Counsel
1 Thessalonians 5:11 – Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.
It is not just a “churchy” cliché when I say this. It was imperative that I had my sisters in Christ and ministers (parents and church family) who would cover me in prayer consistently. They were able to tell me things that I necessarily did not want to hear but had to except in order to break the barrier of having no confidence. My counsel reminded me of who I am in Christ and continued to encouraged me especially when I did not feel it for myself.
- Surrounding Myself with Positive Events and Influences
Ecclesiastes 4:9 – Two people are better than one because together they have a good reward for their hard work. If one falls, the other can help his friend get up. But how tragic it is for the one who is all alone when he falls. There is no one to help him get up.
I noticed when I would attend church, bible studies, other encouraging events, I would be more encouraged to become a better me. However, if I withdrew from those activities, the thoughts of negativity would come and overtake me.
- Prayer and Worship
Psalm 99:5 – Exalt the Lord our God, and worship at His footstool – He is holy.
Prayer and worship are two things that I never let go of during this time of my life but did not do enough of. I neglected those quiet moments in the morning before everyone was awake to spend time in prayer and worship with Christ. I neglected time to read God’s Word and sing His songs to get my day started. But when I slowly ease myself back into His presence, God welcomed me with open arms and I was so thankful for His presence. God whispered, “I love you, my daughter.”
Needless to say, through that time in my life I really understood the meaning of not “leaning on my understanding and submitting my ways to God” – Proverbs 3:5-6. I am thankful for those who reached out to me and poured into my spirit. If I did not have that foundation, I would still be in a depressed state trying to crawl out of a hole with no end. But it is through God’s grace, mercy, and Love that I am victorious, worthy, and more than a conqueror.