Written By: Stephanie Valentine
“Are you single and searching?”
“Single and ready to mingle?”
“Why are you still single?”
Those are some of the questions I hear all the time, and there were times I’d give a sarcastic answer, but honestly, I truly didn’t know—until I began to really ask myself what exactly am I searching for, if I am ready to mingle, and if I am the reason I’m single. Those are some questions that require you to really dig deep and understand who you are and what you really and truly want, but some of us don’t want to answer.
Five years ago, it became so obvious to me as I laid in bed one morning with the sun shining on me that I needed to start with me. I thought about the past few years of my life, dating a man, falling in love, realizing that I was the only one in the relationship, getting back in the dating game, rinsing and repeating the cycle,. I kept saying, jokingly, that I need to write a book about dating in the Age of Bae!
On the surface, I was having a ball with friends, going on dates, and just being free. But inside, I was tired of finding the same type of guy but in a different package. I seriously laid there and asked myself, “Who is the common denominator in all this?” It was me… ouch! That realization hurt because we often want to blame the man for what he did wrong. I mean, don’t get me wrong, men get their hands dirty, but sometimes, ladies, we allow it to happen.
Sometimes when you want something so badly that your enthusiasm turns to desperation and your hope turns to fear, you lose your power. When you allow your desire for something to become bigger than you are, then you lose your ability to draw it to you. You want it so much that you start to fear that you will never have it. You may start wondering how something so wonderful like love could ever possibly work out for you. Love is an intoxicating addiction if it’s not treated properly. It can become a substitute for a void you have internally. I had to understand if I was really looking for love for me or just to heal myself.
I literally prayed and asked God to remove the desire from my heart and replace it with His will for me. Crazy, right? But I needed to shift my focus from wanting love from someone else and learning to love myself, unconditionally, and dealing with the baggage I’d been carrying and collecting over the years. I needed to figure out what Stephanie wanted and selfishly love on myself and find my purpose, so I set out on a quest to figure out just that.
Here we are, five years later. I’m still single but much more fulfilled, living life on purpose and on my terms.
So, in this season of singleness, I want to share with you my journey of self-discovery, lessons learned, hilarious situations, and understanding that you can’t find love, you must be love. You attract who you are.
Personal Development Catalyst
Creator of the Maximize Your Zone movement for women